“Why What You’ve Been Doing is Wrong”

Punk is dead.

You may say different, you may say there are still punk bands out there making good music and blowing up in the scene, but you’re wrong. Sure, they’re still making music, and maybe you’re right about it being well-crafted and enjoyable, but they’re old and irrelevant. Their music doesn’t mean what it used to, what maybe you still think it does. You can listen to your Rancid or your whatever-you-think-is-still-relevant, and ok, enjoy it, but understand: it’s the end.

There is not going to be any more worth listening to. Just like there is a classic rock station that never has any new music except when Bruce Springsteen puts out a dreadful new album, punk is a genre that, for better or worse, is over. If you are wearing safety pins, liberty spikes or god-help-us, a big red anarchy symbol, I sincerely hope you are doing it ironically, and you are some kind of meta-hipster who is so ahead of the curve I just can’t get it.

Otherwise, you are a dinosaur, and you’re probably representing a lifestyle and culture that has been flagging since before you were born and died before you knew anything about it.

I SPEAK AS THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE AND KNOWLEDGE WHICH IS INDISPUTABLE, BY THE WAY.

The red-headed stepchildren march on, however, blissfully ignorant of their sire’s inauspicious passing. Awful hardcore, radio-friendly (and hyphen-friendly) pop-punk, and even that embarrassing footnote of music that hardly resembles its progenitors, screamo. Why do you even bother? I don’t know, but I’m telling you” none of those are the way to go, and you’re embarrassing yourself.

I’ll have you know that I was once invited to a local band’s video shoot by a girl I was really hoping to rail at some point. Lured by the call of free beer and the imaginary hope of fornication, I willingly attended. Upon arrival, I could sense that something was vaguely amiss and, lo and behold, to my horror and disconcertment, featured prominently in this video was a half pipe. And skateboarders, who were being encouraged to perform their trade for footage to be included in this music video. Good lord, what was this band, fucking P.O.D.? As I feared for my life, I immediately drank as much free beer as I felt I could stomach and fled the scene.

Since then, I’ve been hard-pressed to find a local act, much less a local scene that held any kind of interest for me. Philadelphia seems far too much a town of angry, caveman aggression applied to a musical genre that the rest of the world has already mostly given up on. I guess it’s that underdog spirit and a stubborn refusal to try anything new that keeps our local music rooted in the shittier spectrum of old music, but clearly there is a problem and Philadelphians need to cater to ME. PANDER TO ME, PHILADELPHIA, I DEMAND IT.

While the Japanese invented the concept we now think of as modern cuteness, it’s finally starting to catch on in our backwards den of rednecks. Cute Overload and icanhascheeseburger.com are becoming even more popular than that “I love turtles” kid. A softer edge is becoming acceptable, even normal. And it’s time for a new kind of music to replace all of this god-awful punk-derived dreck. What we need now is what I already know - it’s the indie pop. This is your new scene, this is going to be the big thing. It will grow until it destroys you, until it becomes unrecognizable, when you see Tilly and the Wall signing records at Hot Topic. Happy music by happy people to replace your distastefully godless anger. Apolitical, meaningless, fun music that’s still better than anything you have ever heard in your entire life. And the great thing is, it hasn’t died yet, it’s got plenty of room to grow, and the shows are all dirt cheap.

Philadelphia is not known as a hotspot for any kind of music you probably listen to these days. You can argue that this band or that is from here, but whatever you’ve got is an isolated occasion. For reasons that I’ve already enumerated, musicians are just not barking up the wrong tree for any kind of relevance. Embrace the qte and you will find the money and popularity you got into this business for! Get a tattoo of a kitten and you will be immortalized forever!

All of this and NO PATHOS EVER!