You’re a huge loser, and that’s why I love you.

I have a loving fondness for underdogs. When popular opinion goes a certain way, my mind inevitably goes the other. I can’t help it. It might be that I just hate people in general and love disagreeing with them, but I think it’s more that I can feel when people just jump on the bandwagon (or steamroller, more like) of popular opinion. There’s just a point where there’s no turning back, and despite your logical arguments, your pure reasoning, nobody really gives a shit what you say.

Let me drop a little egg of knowledge on you here: most people find it difficult to form opinions on their own. They are generally terrified of being outed as something other than normal. If they form any opinion at all on any subject without public consensus, that opinion is highly malleable. It could change for no reason other than the person thinking, “Well, I thought this was the case, but apparently everyone else thinks differently, so I guess I was wrong.” These people, friends, are cowards.

Unfortunately, there really aren’t any decent alternatives. You can form your own opinions without public input, but unless you want to constantly fight for what you believe in, you’d sure as hell not tell anyone you’re doing so. In this case, you’re still pretty much a coward.

So, the only other option, the one where you form your own opinions and wear them on your sleeve? Why, those people are simply sociopaths. They are terrifying bastions of free thought and a total lack of the natural need to belong. They can be powerful people, and they can also be huge fucking losers that are maligned by the society that fears them.

Now why do I mention all of this? Background, stupid. You see, as a Philadelphian, I’ve lived a life as a glutton for punishment. Philadelphia can be a pretty shitty place to live. It’s not a modern city by the standards that some of the other, more major American cities are. It’s kind of run-down, and dirty. Septa is fucking awful. For so many reasons.

Crime is a huge issue here. Your stuff is not safe, nor is your person, nor are your children. You could be caught in the crossfire of children who were never taught to shoot properly. Your kids could be sold bad crack in the schoolyard, and then shot before they even get a chance to smoke it. HORROR! DEATH! MURRRRRDER!

Really, it’s not that bad for most people, but the murder rate is abnormally high, and at some points, Philadelphia is the murder capital of the country, wrestling that battered crown from DC. This is probably in no small part due to the failures in our education system, and exacerbated by horrible parenting, which is in turn poorly regulated by a DHS office that is a failure - despite being better funded than those in most other major cities.

Really though, Philadelphia is a town with a huge history of being a loser. With one shining moment in 1776, we had a claim to fame as the birthplace of the nation, basically the start of (what we see as) the best thing to ever happen in the entire world, NAY, THE UNIVERSE. So, considering that we got the ball rolling, wouldn’t you think we’d keep it in our court? Of course not. In what became the start in our long history of sucking shit, we let that ball roll right along to some no-man’s land between Maryland and Virginia. Those sons of bitches.

In a further insult, Philadelphia was not even allowed to be the capital of our STATE, where there is little of importance done anywhere. Instead, that honor went to a shitty farming town chosen only for its geographical location, which was far away from anything important to anyone that mattered. Not that this retarded decision only happened here...just look at New York City. But, not being the losers we are, they ran with it and still became what is arguably the center for business for the entire world.

And what do we have? Cheese steaks, soft pretzels, hoagies and obesity. The comfort food we needed to get over all of these horrible failures and losses have catapulted us into yet another dishonor, being the fattest city in the nation (now and again). It’s a vicious cycle.

Despite having adequate facilities a short distance from a bustling metropolis with lots to see and do, every Philadelphia sports team is a perennial loser, year after year after year. It’s a testament to the fans that they have the energy to ever get excited again about any of these teams. Well, maybe not a testament, but a pathological disorder. Who’s to say?

And in the end, where does this leave us? With the public eye indomitably focused on all of the obvious failures and short-comings, shall I climb on board? If you guessed yes, go read that first sentence, stupid. For I am a sociopath, and I say, fuck you, it’s better than your gay old city. Jerk.