Kaiju Big Battel - Shpadoinkel Mania VII

The city of Philadelphia is no more. I write this from a wi-fi friendly shanty-town on the outskirts of the wreckage to tell you that on June 1, 2008, a swarm of city-crushing beasts swept through via The Trocadero and left our town in ruins. Since its inception, the Boston-based Kaiju Big Battel has reduced countless cities to rubble in its quest to keep these monsters from destroying human life as we know it. The Kaiju Heroes must constantly be on alert and crush the constant scheming of the villainous Dr. Cube and his minions. Throw in Team Space Bug (who dislike both the Heroes and Dr. Cube's Posse), as well as Rogues (who hold no alliances) and we've got a volatile situation.

To open the show Sunday afternoon were fellow Bostonians, Harry and the Potters. Guitarist/vocalist Harry Potter and vocalist/keyboardist/saxophonist Harry Potter brought the already high nerdiness to nearly unchartable levels, but I can't complain. They were pretty good. Using their arsenal of songs that deal with issues such as one of your professors being a werewolf and saving Ginny Weasley, coupled with Dead Milkmen-esque guitar work and wacky stage antics, they were entertaining to all. Well, at least some. There were two girls right in front of the stage who went wild for their every movement and word.

After using the power of love to rock the house (and leave us all with lightning-shaped scars) it was time for the Battel to begin. Every fighto had running live commentary by Louden Noxious, the loudest human being on the planet other than Paul Heyman. While you'd think this would get annoying after a while, it didn't. It was very entertaining and certainly helpful at some parts when things got out of hand. For our first fighto, we had the evil half-silver back gorilla, half-Angler fish Grudyin taking on surviving Plantano, Pedro Plantain. You see his brother Pablo was murdered and was turned into a zombie by Dr. Cube, and Pedro is out for revenge. While Pedro was able to get in some good offense, it didn't seem like enough to take down The Grudyin. But suddenly who should come to the ring but the zombie Pablo! And with a trash can full of weapons. After the assist from his brother, and destroying some buildings, Pedro was able to pick up a win. Oh and by the way, if anyone wants to pick up a birthday/Christmas/you're awesome present for me, then look no further than here.

Up next, we had the giant evil turtle Vegetius taking on Kaiju's latest Hero, Sun Buster. This was a hard one for Sun Buster, despite his Nintendo controller arm pad. He just couldn't seem to take the big-shelled bastard down. Luckily, help came to ringside in the form of my new favorite wrestler, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, who is exactly was his name says he is. After a hard headbutt-filled battel, with an assist from Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, Sun Buster was able to pick up a big win. It honestly took like, three guys to hold open the ropes for Vegetius to get out. Who should cut off the Heroes exit but that dastardly Dr. Cube. After Cube mocked Philadelphia and the Heroes, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder took offense and started in on Dr. Cube. Words were exchanged, mothers were mocked and challenges made before Cube threw water at Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, which of course put out his internal furnace, leaving him powerless and barely able to walk. Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder.

Dr. Cube then brought out his newest creation for the next fighto. The half-toucan, half-gerbil Toucor took on Hero Intern '08, who is working his way up to Hero much like Sun Buster before him. Hero Intern '08 came out to the ring with his guitar in his hand, and his mentor Dusto Bunny by his side. A hard one for the rookie but in the end, with the help of his trusty axe and a few more destroyed buildings, he was able to pull off a victory.

After the ring was cleared and new buildings were put into place, Louden Noxious took to it to tell us about what he thinks about real Heroes, and ones who just call themselves such. Unfortunately for him, human wrestler Chris Hero was making his way to the ring and didn't seem impressed. He took the microphone and proceeded to remind us of his impressive list of victories since he joined Kaiju. He called out his opponent, threatening to make him the next victim. But his was no ordinary opponent. It was the jingoistic Kaiju Hero, American Beetle! That arrogant Chris Hero, however, attacked American Beetle before "Fighto!" could be declared, and took advantage early on. Every time American Beetle seemed to gain some momentum, Hero squashed it. At some point during the match, Louden Noxious cleared something up that had been nagging me: "Of course, Chris Hero has been grown to a large size in order to take part in these battels." Ah, there we are. When it seemed like Hero had the advantage again, all of a sudden, American Beetle rolled him up for the victory! A distraught and furious Chris Hero almost destroyed Louden Noxious after the match but thankfully, cooler heads prevailed.

Finally, our last fighto was for the Kaiju Grand Championship. Last month in Boston, Neo Teppen used all of his 27 secret powers to beat perennial loser and somehow champion Call-Me-Kevin for the title. But this month he had to defend it against Le European Champion Uchu Chu the Space Bug, who was accompanied by his Swarm at ringside. This proved to be too much for Teppen at times, having to deal with numerous Swarm members as well as Uchu Chu. Thankfully he got some assistance from good friend, Power Ranjuru. She used everything she could think of, including a mallet and pixie dust to try and help her friend, but it proved to be too much for her as well. A ladder was brought into play and finally, Neo Teppen could take no more and Uchu Chu was declared new Kaiju Grand Champion. Overall this event was sheer insanity and very entertaining. At one point in the show, Louden Noxious used his trusty guitar and graced us with a song. It was to the tune of "I've Been Everywhere" and sung of Kaiju's adventures throughout the world. Indeed, Kaiju's everywhere, man.

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