“Stolen Van Blues”

It took a while, but I'm finally back with the second installment of Jesus Soup. This week, I'm going to take a critical look at something which is becoming every bit as Philadelphian as the cheese steak, Hall and Oates, the Liberty Bell, South Street, and the soft pretzel. (But not Philadelphia cream cheese which, ironically, is made in New York.) I can already hear some of you shouting out "crime!" And, I regret to say it, but you're right. I'm not writing this column, though, to condemn crime in the city - at least not in the broadest sense. No, I'm going to talk about a very specific, very local, and especially heinous act: tour vehicle theft.

For years, Philly music fans have debated why independent musical acts seem to go out of their way, at times, to route their tours around Philadelphia. "Lancaster's Chameleon Club? Well, rock music is illegal in Lancaster, but, sure...we'll play there. Hey, it beats Philly!" Or: "I really like my new iPhone and don't want it stolen. We'll just play in Allentown." To those two hypothetical musicians, I say...No, it's not illegal, but it's discouraged, and okay, but why did you buy an iPhone?

The fact is, Philly music fans don't want to commute to Lancaster or Allentown to see their favorite band. Many don't even drive, due to escalating insurance costs and the semi-reliability of SEPTA. They'd have to go Greyhound to get to to those places. This is a bad option, as well, because A) it's not cost effective for a one night trip, and B) Greyhound buses have a tendency to smell like pee. So, no Greyhounding to concerts, okay? Good.

Anyway, the problem hasn't yet gotten so bad that a significant amount of bands are skipping the city. Thanks may be due to a handful of local venues who "take care" of said bands (read: fund their iPhone purchases) to provide an incentive for bands to, you know, actually play one of the biggest markets in the country. Still, the promise of a possible van or bus theft could be enough to keep even the bravest artists away from the city - should the trend continue.

In case you're not sure what I'm talking about, van theft has been looming over the city heavier than a playoff loss in recent years. Well, okay, not quite THAT heavily, but you get the point. It's also not a problem that appears to be getting much better. Melodic punkers, Strung Out, were robbed of their vehicle, trailer, and all their equipment on October 4th of this year. Personally, I'd like to extend a completely insincere "thank you" to whoever pulled that one off... being that a great band who rarely tours the East Coast probably won't come here again for a good while. Way to go.

Thefts haven't been quite as bad this year, but the incident with Strung Out proves that van thieves are still out there. That's a scary thought, considering what a plague thefts were last year. Don't believe me? Check out www.stolengear.org. Look at those listings under the "Popular" heading. THREE Philadelphia thefts IN A ROW! Also listed is local artist, Matt Pond PA, who, ironically, was robbed in Brooklyn. (Guess that was payback for us and the cream cheese.)

Back to the Strung Out incident. The band's drummer, Jordan Burns, left a message on the group's message board the day of the theft. Here is an excerpt:

"So we have lost ALL of our equipment, all of our merch, tons of personal stuff and we are pretty much fucked and stuck in a shitty Days Inn in a fucked up part of town in Philly."

The part of Philly where Strung Out was staying was the Greater Northeast. Having grown up and currently residing in the Northeast, it sucked to read that. To make me feel even worse, I was conceived in the very "shitty Days Inn" where Strung Out was staying.

No I wasn't.

Cheap Shot's condolences go out to Strung Out, and all the other bands who have been abused by the city of Philadelphia - including Amber Pacific, who were reportedly the victims of police brutality...an issue which should rightfully be discussed in another article. In the meantime:

SOME ADVICE FOR TOURING MUSICIANS BRAZEN ENOUGH TO PLAY IN PHILLY, DESPITE EVERYTHING BEING TEN SHADES OF SHITTY

1. Insure your vehicle and gear.
Strung Out, unfortunately, didn't do this, and it's a common mistake. If your stuff isn't insured when it's stolen, you won't be reimbursed for it...plain and simple. It's relatively inexpensive to do - especially when the whole band chips in - and it's best to be prepared.

2. Get a good alarm system.
Sure, alarm systems on your vehicle might be annoying. Contact with renegade footballs and large, disoriented birds might result in false sound-offs. But it's a great deterrent against thieves. For realzies!

3. Use public storage.
It's not practical for most acts to park their vehicles in a storage unit every time they turn in for the night, but, in high crime areas, it'll be worth your investment. No one will steal your vehicles and trailers if they can't see them!

4. Don't decorate the Mystery Machine.
Why weren't the gang from Scooby Doo ever foiled ahead of time by wiley villains? All the bad guy had to do, after all, was get rid of their wheels. And, with a paint job like it had, could there be any doubt as to who the van belonged to? The same goes with bands. If you paint your band's logo in huge letters on the side of your van - or trick it out with other rock 'n roll-looking accessories - people will know there's a fortune in gear on the inside.

5. Don't play in Philly.
Oh wait, that's exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to say here. Nevermind this one!

So, essentially, there are a lot of pilferers about. We need to implement more policies to help get rid of them (for instance, have pawn shops fingerprint people selling expensive equipment). In the meantime, bands should do their part by being more vigilant.

We'll be back soon with more Soup.