"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap- hap- happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."- Clark Griswold

As of this writing, it is November 10th. Less than two weeks removed from Halloween. If I'm not mistaken, the next big holiday on the calendar is Thanksgiving, unless you celebrate JFK's assassination (Nov 22nd), in which case I don't want you anywhere near me or my writings. But for those of us who don't celebrate the president's head exploding like an overcooked hotdog, Turkey Day is what November is all about. But that doesn't seem to be the case with some people. Apparently the end of October signals the beginning of the Christmas season.

It starts out innocently enough, a candy cane or wreath decoration here and there at Neshaminy or Franklin Mills Mall. Frankford Ave in the Mayfair section takes down those retarded light-up "M's" and replaces them with snowflakes. Then, all hell breaks loose. Rite Aid and Walgreens and K-Mart and Wal-Mart start stocking up big time with Christmas decorations. Some of the worst sweaters you've ever seen in your life will be available for purchase very, very soon - if not already. And of course, the bums downtown start dressing like their favorite reindeer. Give me a fucking break will ya? Halloween just ended. Let me have November in peace. The weather's cooling down, the leaves are changing colors and the real beauty of fall explodes like me watching Wild Things. November is also the time of my people, the lard-asses. Thanksgiving means two things where being morbidly obese is a plus: eating and football. One holiday is all we ask from people.

But that's not the worst of all. Ohhh no, friends and neighbors. If you're unfortunate enough to work in retail and have the radio on at work, or you eat cardboard for fun, you know that at a certain point in the year, local soft rock station B101 converts to ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC ALL THE FUCKING TIME, for what seems like 8 months. I just heard them talking about it not too long ago. This is one of the few (few = many) things that bring my piss to a boil. Look, I love Christmas. I love Christmas music. I even go to Christmas Mass. But after about 3 hours of the shittiest Christmas music ever, I just want to take a lawn dart to Santa's eye. But there is a saving grace. B101 is having people take a music survey asking what Christmas songs people like, and when they should start playing them. For the sake of journalism, I will now attempt to take this survey (http://www.b101radio.com/music/xmas07/) as I write. Wish me luck.

Opening screen:

"B101 is Philadelphia’s Christmas Music Station. Please tell us what songs we should (and shouldn’t) play this holiday season. Listeners choose every song we play on B101.

Here’s how the survey works. Just answer a few questions including when you think we should start playing Christmas music this year. You’ll then hear short song segments and be able to rate each one. Do as many or as few as you’d like. When you need to pause, we’ll set a cookie on your survey to remember where you left off.

Happy Holidays from B101!"

*shudders* Alright, starts off with a typical age/gender type thing. Ethnicity, too. Hmm. Alright, I'm a 65+ Asian American woman. Ah, here we are. I get to pick when I want them to start playing. Thank God one of the options is "Never". What the shit? I still have to vote on songs, even though I said they should never play Christmas music? Assholes. First up, Amy Grant. And they wonder why I picked "Never". Alright, some Trans-Siberian, not bad. Frank Sinatra, can't go wrong with The Chairman. Wonderful Christmastime? Classic. MORE AMY GRANT? Ugh. Alright, I just got like six Mannheim Steamrollers and one John Tesh. Fuck Christmas, I'm going to bed.

Andy Coppola invented Lysol Deep Reach Toilet Bowl Cleaner and recently beat Guitar Hero II on the "Expert" level.