"I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly" - Moe Szyslak

You know, ever since Philadelphia was usurped as the nation’s fattest city by the likes of Houston and Chicago, I’ve felt an emptiness inside that hours of eating couldn’t fill. I was no longer part of the winning team. Sure the murder rate is high, but that’s not as prestigious. Then a few days ago I heard the great news. Travel & Leisure Magazine ranked 25 American cities according to the attractiveness of its citizens, and Philadelphia came in at 25th. Walking down Frankford Ave, I felt the sudden urge to grab every person I saw and violently hug them. Maybe I’d get to see a parade down Broad Street in my lifetime.

Seriously though, it may not be a point of pride for some people, but I have to say that I agree. I take Septa every day and I’ve seen my share of people who, if they were houses, real estate agents would call “fixer-uppers.” Today, we’re going to take a look at just some of the people who may have contributed to our reputation. Now, some of these people may not be native Philadelphians, but have been made famous here or passed through here at some point in their lives. Now, let’s roll that beautiful bean footage!

Exhibit A: William Penn
Founder of Pennsylvania and designer of Philadelphia. Lived a double life as the Quaker Oats guy. To be fair, he could’ve contributed to fattest or ugliest city. Now he sits atop our City Hall so everyone can see his front butt.

Exhibit B: Ben Franklin
Founding Father. Author. Inventor. There’s a lot of things in the city named after him, and a lot of people sing his praise. But not me. Fuck him. Known for such quotes as “A penny saved is a penny earned,” and “There never was a good war or a bad peace,” and “As to Jesus of Nazareth…I have some doubts as to his divinity”. Jesus exacted his revenge when Franklin spent the last year of his life bed-ridden until his lungs exploded and he vomited to death. Pwnt.

Exhibit C: Louisa May Alcott
Civil War-era novelist. Probably wrote a bunch of boring crap, but is best known for Little Women. Set the record for having at least 36 crappy movies based on said book.

Let’s jump ahead a bit shall we?

Exhibit D: Don Polec
Feature reporter. Host of “Don Polec’s World” on 6 ABC for the last couple decades. Kinda looks like that guy in Happy Gilmore who got shot in the head with a nail gun. Just because he makes the list doesn’t mean that I don’t think he’s awesome. I once said to fellow Cheap Shot! writer Sean Monaghan that I wanted to make the interior of my future home look like the set of Action News, and in the basement I’d keep Don Polec in a glass case like St. John Neumann. Seriously.

Exhibit E: The 1993 Phillies
Although this is the best baseball team this city has seen in my lifetime, they had some truly hideous-looking human beings on that team. With faces like John Kruk, Lenny Dykstra, and Pete Incaviglia on the roster, they broke many a mirror in that clubhouse. And I don’t mean with their fists. Like I said with Polec, they may be ugly, but boy oh boy did I love that season. I must have watched every game, which is no small feat considering how soul-crushingly boring baseball is. And while we’re on the subject of sports, former Flyers star Rod Brind’Amour gets honorable mention. Go do a Google image search for him. I’ll wait. See? Good lord.

Well, that’s all for right now. Feel free to send in your thoughts on or pictures of ugly Philadelphians. I’m outtie 5000.

Andy Coppola is the UN Ambassador for Kyrgyzstan and was the inspiration for Columbo.